171204

Tonight I feel like I don’t know how to solve my life. I spent to much time listening to conservative philosophers. It’s somehow a comfort in this world even if it sometimes feel all wack. Jordan Peterson mainly. I don’t know what to think about that guy. Very biology. Not so “soft”. Still a lot is about relationship management. Those parts I like. 

 

G, I’m hurting her. I don’t want to but I don’t know what to do. I still miss L. Very much. I think about her a lot. G is good to me, good for me. Still, I’m not so sure if she is what I want. And the distance makes it complicated. She is quite masculine. Somehow. Even tho she wants to be feminine. She is very special. I really love her in many ways but maybe not in the most important of ways. I don’t know. It just doesn’t come naturally. The distance makes it harder to try it out for real. But maybe it just isn’t. How much I even wish for it to be. 

I don’t want to hurt her. But that’s unavoidable if I do not feel the same as she feels. 

L, I don’t know how to dare to go back into it. Would we make it? How. 

 

my art is, I don’t know, good but unexceptional. Not so exciting even if the form is good. It lacks competent content. It lacks a voice. A definition.  

 

Goodnight.