Im so jelous right now of Ds ex lover. I feel like a fucking idiot. I hate how it affects me. It makes me think of it obsessively. Thinking of ways to blame it on her. Still, its the uncertanty of how much of it that is actually on her that makes me frustrated. If I knew, objectively it was all about me I could handle it different.
Ofcourse a big part is fear on my end. Fear of losing her. I mean I love her, she seems to be everything I am looking for. Then ofcourse it is the male ego. I don’t want her to have any kind of feelings for past lovers. I want them discarded. It’s an immature thought on my end but it also feels imature on her end. What does she want this guy around for? Just in case things will be different? To not loose touch?
But what annoys m most is that he is prioritized over me. That the five free days she has she will spend with him and not me. That she didn’t ask how I felt about it beforehand. That makes me feel like she doesn’t see me as a part of her life as I see her part of mine. It hurts. Also that she didn’t tell me that she planned to sleep in the same bed as him and that she wants to spend time alone with him and not the three of us. It just feels really weird. Really irritating. I hate that guy. Ugh. I’m an idiot. I don’t know. Am I? Life is life.